Thank God I'm back in Asia!

Firstly, yes. Yes the title of my new blog is a nod to one of my favorite Robyn songs.I have decided to stop fighting the fact that some of my favorite music is made for teenagers and gay dudes by extremely crafty Swedes and,try as I might,I just can’t like jazz. There is a very real possibility that I am just not a very serious person.  I will leave the serious convos to grad student and self-helpers while I busy myself having one lady dance parties to really meaningful songs like “Dancing on My Own” and “Konichiwa Bitches” (unless of course I happen to be having a sensitive Sunday which can happen even to those of use who truly like to goof around).

Anyways, I realize that since I have landed in my third country in 2.5 years, it might look like my mid life crisis is officially official, right? Is it? I don’t know. Maybe. Sort of. Yes. Would you believe that I just really like to travel and when my friends talk about doing things like remodeling bathrooms or buying tiles at Home Depo it doesn’t sound all that appetizing to me?

Even if it  officially official, I feel like finding some gigs in exotic locals is better than going blond, buying a sports car, and trying to hang out with 22 year olds. Especially, since hanging out with 22 year olds (with the exception of my baby sister who I love except for the time her friends said I was cool and she said I was really old and double gun shot me with two finger guns after finishing off her Jack and Coke) would most likely require talking to 22 year olds and trying to figure out what something called Dubstep is. I have tried to get my baby sister to explain this to me on several occasions and I just don’t get it. It sounds like kids are still raving like in the 90’s, but they have given it a new name and somehow glitter and costumes and some little DJ guy named Skillrex or something is involved. 

While I don’t get down with some of my friends who think that their mid thirties is an age where it is OK to give up things like socializing and leaving the house past 6 pm, I do think that my mid thirties is an age where I should not be obligated to figure out what dubstepping is and what exactly makes it so rad.

I have always found Asia to be a little bit of a struggle. The culture is hard to understand. I watch Western men who should know better behave in a variety of unattractive ways to women who are tiny and sweet and have never tried to burn their bras. Usually after a few months in Asia, I feel like writing a letter to Gloria Steinnam that says something like, well I guess it just didn't really work out.   

However, I felt good about coming back to Asia because it was only a four month contract and I figure at worst it would be like a bad summer vacation. I also felt that I had already done more than enough putzing around my parents house in mismatched sweatsuits which at some point somehow convinced myself were acceptable outside in public clothes (which would always feel not so OK when I would bump into someone I had not seen since high school at the Bucks while sporting my sister’s field hockey sweatshirt from high school with the keys to my mom’s car dangling from my fingers).  I also felt like it would be interesting to check out something besides my mom's family room, especially since I had run through all the HBO and Showtime Series I wanted to watch and was pretty disappointed by Homeland. Mainly because I really don’t think they let bipolar chicks into the CIA. I also felt it really hard to get behind a show when Mandy Patinkin in the sexiest person on it.  I in no way mean to suggest that I find Mandy Patinkin unattractive per say, it is more a reflection of how I feel about the attractiveness of most gingers(with the exception of Eric Stoltz who I am still hoping arrives at my door someday with a pair of diamond studs)and how annoying I find Clair Danes no matter what color her hair is.

Despite the trials and tribulations I have experienced in Asia in the past, there was one reason that I was ecstatic to be boarding the plane bound for parts unknown, I was thrilled to have a respite from being single. Nobody blames you for being single in Asia, They don’t accuse you of not trying hard enough or having a bad attitude. They don’t urge you to just “put yourself out there”. Mothers don't suggest that perhaps being a candy striper would help you meet a nice doctor or that a perm could really turn your dating life around (I guess this means that a 30 something candy striper with a perm would be a pretty hot commodity. I don’t know about you, but I have serious, serious doubts about the validity of this theory.) Nobody tells you that it will happen when you least expect it or that it will happen when you are not looking. They also won’t share really inspiring stories about their sister’s friend who is having her first baby at 46, or the one about their coworker who was the same age as you and also single, but also sorta a bitch (which I actually did not find all that inspiring), or about this really nice, bald father of three in his late 40’s who went through a really nasty divorce a few years ago and teaches middle school and is really looking to meet someone.

You get a vacation from ALL of this because you are in ASIA. While there are legions of men who will only date hot Asian girls, for the most part our Aian brothers are unfairly left by the way side. I don't know if it's because some people really believe that the rumors are about men from this part of the worls looking like the exact opposite of Jon Hamm when going commando in a pair of slacks:  

http://www.dlisted.com/2013/03/20/free-hammaconda


(which I can neither confirm or deny due to a total and utter lack of research), or if it's because they think that the guys over here have the same amount of sex appeal as the Donger from 16 Candles.

Who was pretty funny (yes, in a perhaps casually racist sort of way maybe, but it was the 80's. We didn't know this.), but not what anyone would think of as a sexy beast. At least I don't think so, but with all the weirdos finding each other and congregating on the internets I guess you can't rule anything out.


        Obviously people forget about these dudes.

I chose two pictures of Tommy Chong because I have been super in love with him ever since I saw the documentary about him and his son's ill fated bong company. I thought that this photo of him not only showed off his two tickets to the gun show, but also the fact that he is silly enough to enjoy hanging out with Richard Greco at least once. I think this proves he must have a pretty hilarious sense of humor. 

On a side note, I am not sure Mr. Greco was aiming to make one of the funniest shows ever when he produced Gigolos, but he did. I know that not everyone can accept what I suppose is technically soft core porn as comedy, but I do and it is. And I am sure that the world would be a little less funny if Mr. Greco had never given us Brace. I would like to think that not only is Tommy Chong a hot old guy, but that he also has a few giggles with a glass of wine while watching a "reality" show about a group of gay men from the midwest pretending to be straight men from the midwest working as sex workers in Sin City.Because I think he must really be that funny which is pretty hot.

But I for one am NOT going to remind them.  I know it’s selfish. I know it’s unfair. I know it’s very a hypocritical act for the girl who had a poster of Keanu Reeves on her bedroom wall for many, many years.  But don’t judge me too harshly, OK? It’s really nice to not have to explain the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend and give a list detailing all the things I am constantly doing to change this. 

While living in Colombia everyone would get all suspicious that I wasn’t getting it on the regs from some hombre who looked like a hetero Ricky Martin. When they would ask if I had met anyone and I would say no they would say “Really?” with a distinct air or disapproval and suspicion. It was if it was the proof they needed to confirm their suspicions that I had actually been a lesbian all along (despite my hatred of both folk music and herbal tea) or that I actually spent all of my free time hiding under my bed and if I did go out in public I must be acting like a real See You Next Tuesday.

I would try to explain that most of the women actually did look a lot like Sofia Veragara and to top that off more often than not they had bought these really amazing bums that were really perfect and round (although I can’t imagine very fun to sit on) and also would wake up and make a dude some hot arepas and a fresh pot of coffee while wearing a sexy robe and very high heels. They also use a lot of giant doe eyes and baby girl frowny faces when talking to their mens. Let’s face it, I never stood a chance. Have you ever tried an arepa fresh off the grill? They are delicious.Can you imagine me trying to make doe eyes and baby girl frowny faces at some muchacho? I can't imagine it would be convincing or effective.

Also, I don’t care what anyone says. I think internet dating is creepy. It is full of cool women who have realized that perhaps they no longer want to bed/date semi employed men with bad tattoos and great record collections. They feel it’s time to try to meet guys who are a little more serious, guys who might want to settle down before they hit 50, guys who might own a car. The problem is that the internet is full of nerdy dudes looking for casual sex who can’t find it in regular places, like bars. I am not trying to hate on nerdy guys who are trying to get theirs. I just don’t have much interest in being involved in their persuits. Besides, do you know who else was internet dating this year? These guys:

The Colorado shooter AND NYC’s Cannibal Cop. I think internet dating might also hinder my desire to, you know, stay alive.

So maybe it’s a little stinky and I don’t know what anyone is saying and there’s lots of spitting and people, in general, may have a sort of willy nilly attitude towards toileting. At least nobody is trying to tell me I should really update my OK Cupid Account because  their second cousin’s best friend’s sister just met this really, really great guy and it’s totally getting serious.  And for this I thank you Asia and am really and truly thrilled to be back.