As I passed the gas station on my way to the bus stop, the gas station attendant called out
"Hey, sweetheart!".
I was thinking that maybe I looked cuter that morning than I thought until I heard him say:
"Are you OK, sweetheart? You look depressed."
I then realized that the misery caused by heading to work where I would most likely see my crazy boss break out in angry red hives from her sheer hateration of me, was now making my local gas station attendant worried about my mental health. I realized that it was probably time for a change.
With this in mind, I accepted a fellowship in Borneo because I couldn't think of anything more different than moving to an island formerly populated only by orangutangs and headhunters. I also couldn't resist having such a funny line to drop when out and about in Williamsburg. I think this highlights the fact that while some people make decisions based on goals or futures, I usually go with the option that sounds the funniest. This has had some mixed results.
In addition to not wanting to cause my local gas station attendant any further distress, I was also sorta bored. I had been waiting to become an adult for a long time and it was simply not happening. Sure, I got my Masters and had a real job, but none of the other adult stuff had materialized. I was still single and had 4 roommates and could fit all of my belongings into my parents' SUV. I had been putzing around hip neighborhoods for a long time and was no longer so excited about my options.
One night I went to go see my friend's band play and this kid came up to me and told me I looked like I was "just totally over it". I didn't know how to explain to the 23 year old in front of me who was probably living in his first apartment that while I understood that it was cool and fun to go see a show in an abandoned theater in an almost unsafe neighborhood where you needed to know the password to get in, at this point in my life I was really more interested in places that had clean bathrooms and lots of TP. I figured this was a sign than I was more than ready to abandon my half hearted attempts at adulting and head to the jungles of a country that had hijabs, Muslims, and black magic.
I was glad that I did. Yes, I had some lonely nights in my little house in Borneo with only Law and Order to keep me company. Yes, I regularly dreamt about red wine. Yes, it took weeks for my body to calm down and realize that there wasn't much to do in Borneo besides hang out at Pizza Hut with my three friends.However, it was a big adventure and it was pretty exciting.
I was no longer a failed adult. I was an adventurer. Maybe I did not have a husband or kids, but I had trips to Bali, lessons about vagina chalk, and fish pedicures. It wasn't exactly a substitute, but it was a lot better than sitting around and waiting for this elusive grown up life to materialize and lots more fun.
However, once I spent a year out adventuring, it was hard to imagine coming back. The thought of having to get a job that was much harder and paid much less seemed very unappealing. The idea of being broke and not being able to travel did not seem very awesome, as did the idea of sitting around and waiting to wake up with a husband and a mortgage and some kind of desire to buy household appliances and talk about what color I want to paint my hallway (which in moments of honesty I can't imagine ever wanting to talk about).
So, I left again and then again. I had more adventures and went on more exotic trips. I became really good at boarding airplanes and making hotel reservations. Mostly, I had a great time and even built a better resume sorta by accident in the process.
However, slowly something started to change. I wasn't sure if my wanderlust had finally been satisfied or if old age had finally begun to rear its ugly head. Either way, I started to feel like I could see the signs that it might be time to pack it up and return back to my homeland before I turned into a permanent weirdo, or a spinster gypsy (and yes, I realize that it may already be much too late for that and I also realize that people like me who are not very adept at making decisions are always looking for "signs" like the universe has nothing better to do than to send me secret messages about what choices I should make which I realize is probably not very probable The universe is most likely busy with other stuff than my arrested development.).
These were the signs that got me to thinking that I may in fact need a permanent address:
#1. I often talk about my homeland as the "best nation on Earth" and "the most amazing place ever" completely and totally un- ironically. After four years abroad, I have, at times, sounded like a fan of fox news. It's not like I don't love my country, I totally do. I just feel like the distance between us has caused me to start sounding a little like Bill O'Riley at times and not like the Onion reading, Daily Show watching American lover I really am (I think).
#2. I have looked out over a gorgeous sunset on the beaches of Thailand and thought "beautiful, but meh". Thinking about how the beaches are just as beautiful in the Caribbean which is a lot closer to the best nation on Earth. I was also thinking about how parts of Indonesia are just as pretty but less commercial at which point I was sure I sounded like a total asshole. Luckily, I was only sounding like an asshole in my head.
#3. During the same trip where I was poopooing Thai sunsets, I also realized that I was no longer even remotely attracted to backpackers. While in my youth I found their devil may care attitudes and cool tattoos sexy, now I simply speculate about how many species of insects are living in their dreadlocks and how many STIs they have contracted at the last Full Moon Party. I also wonder when was the last time they had called their mother.
#4. Watching Veronica Mars in my underpants has become a perfectly fun and satisfying way to spend a Friday night. While there is an element of glamour in saying you live abroad, secretly I must admit to myself I could probably watch TV in my underpants lot of different places, many of which are much closer to home.
#5. I contemplated staying another year in the city which has the worst pollution in the world and where I am about as sexually popular with straight men as Steve Buscemi in drag. Why? Because the idea of packing up all my stuff and moving again and making all new friends again sounds exhausting. I think this means that I want to make my next stop a longish one. Have you ever tried to make all new amigos when you are pushing 40? It's sooooo tiring and many of your friends usually end up to be lots younger because everyone your age is at home talking about fertility treatments, back problems, and marriage counseling.
#6. Due to a case of acute celibacy related lunacy, I mistook a tiny Asian lady for a hot, single Hispanic man while doing Bikram Yoga. This said to me that I probably needed to drink more coconut water and live in a country where tiny and adorable 22 year old girls were not falling from trees so I could possibly, at some point in the future, you know, get lucky. Although I like to throw around terms like "kizmet" and "happenstance", I must concede that perhaps Borneo, Bogota (ps. think twice about moving to a nation where EVERY LADY LOOKS LIKE SOFIA VERGARA), and Beijing have not been the best places for this.
this dude was not in my yoga class
#6. I visited a palm reader in Kathmandu because I thought he might actually have some constructive advice about what my next move should be. Shockingly, he did not. All he did was look at a line on my thumb and tell me I couldn't trust men. I wanted to say
"listen bro, I was sorta hoping you could tell me something I didn't already know"
I also took a Buzzfeed quiz that said I should live in LA and thought Buzzfeed is probably right. I mean, it is the same website that told me that if I was a character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I would be Buffy. That sounded pretty accurate to me, so I figured they were probably right about this too. I am not sure if this is totally a sign that I am ready to hang up my traveling shoes, but if I can't trust Buzzfeed quizzes what can I trust?
#7. While discussing the video for Coolio's Fantastic Voyage at lunch the other day, the year I graduated from high school came up. When I said that I graduated in '95, all three of my friends in their 20s had a giggle fit. When I started to look a little P-Oed one of my friends said that there really didn't seem to be much difference in our ages which actually seemed worse than the giggle fit. While I learned in Brooklyn that I cannot will adult life into existence, I could probably try a little harder, or at least stop vagabonding and buy some furniture at Ikea and maybe a blender or a coffee maker so kids will find my age a little less hilarious.
#8. When I went home for Christmas I had to crash in my baby sister's room. We shared a double bed. I may never have dreamt about a house with a white picket fence with a mini van out front, but having a bum to bum sleepover with my 22 year old sister in a bed with chili stains on the sheets (because who hasn't spilled a little while eating chili in bed and thought, "whatevs, it will dry no need to do anything drastic like change the sheets")wasn't exactly my vision of grown up life either. She also told me there is no way I can come back home for an extended visit unless she moves out or we get bunk beds. Shit.
#9. A couple of years ago my Nana said she was having second thoughts about leaving me her bedroom set because she didn't think I'd ever have any place to put it. It's not like my heart is set on the bedroom set, however, as I get older, I am starting to recognize the benefit of not having a bed from Ikea. I have a bed from Ikea now and if I sit on it in a certain way my feet go numb.
Nana Banana, dasher of real furniture dreams
#10. On the even of my 37th birthday I arrived to school in the same shirt as one of the students. This said to me that not only was it probably time to stop shopping in the teen section if H and M, but that maybe Plan Adult needed some fine tuning. Oh, Plan Adult.
#11. One of my buddies at work is 24 and he thinks the fact that women over the age of 29 have boobs is kinda gross. Over dinner one night, he told me how he basically feels like any lady of a certain age over 29 should only wear turtlenecks because they should realize that "absolutely nobody wants to see that" (and by that he meant boobs). I sorta understand. I was 24 once and I also thought olds were gross. However, it's pretty weird when you realize that almost every member of the opposite sex that you socialize with thinks that you are at best a Pat.
So does all this mean I am ready to head back to best country in the world and try to make more practical decisions and chose a place to live and start creating these things called "roots" people are always talking to me about?
To be honest, I really don't know. However, I do know that I am pretty sure when you start considering making life decisions based on Buzzfeed Quizzes and you feel yourself maybe running out of gas, it is probably time to think about heading back to the motherland before you poop out in the wrong place and decide it really would be OK to spend the rest of your adult life in Timbuktu because the thought of picking up and starting someplace new feels just impossible and exhausting.
When I was 23, I moved to Tokyo and the coolest person I met was ten years older than me. She was amazingly smart and hilarious. However, every now and again I would think that this chick is way more fun and interesting than any of my same age coworkers who are dropping their pens on the floor so they can lean over and look up the skirts of their teenage students, but when I am her age I am going to be way more "together". Fast forward 14 years and my best pals at work are 24 and 26 and while I know they like me, every now and again their eyes are saying "does this crazy bitch know how the hell old she is???". Karma really is a complete and total bitch.
So if you have any suggestions, I am all ears. The palm reader in Kathmandu didn't say anything about where I am supposed to live- I was totally bummed.
